Childfree by choice - or is it? 🤔

Inner Becoming Newsletter childfree by choice - or is it? After 5 years, my trip to motherland Serbia is approaching and I am beyond excited to be reunited with with family and friends, eat burek and ćevapi all day long, and soak in the easy going lifestyle. At the same time, in the back of my mind I anticipate the good ole question about having kids (or not having kids) to sneak its way into the conversations. Every time it arises, I sense that I'm not fully believed when I say "I don't want kids," and those who don't ask about it seem to assume that something is wrong and I can't have kids. Maybe it's not that people don't believe it, rather, it's hard for them to understand a choice that is drastically different than theirs. Going off the script To escape the doom and gloom of my reality as a child, I had a very rich inner life. My daydreams and fantasies included a fun adventurous life, having a career, and moving away from the village I grew up in to a big, vibrant city. My imagination never included motherhood or having kids. I was never too concerned about marriage and having a family. When I was young, I said I will have kids one day, but it was not something I really thought about, it was just something I would say because everyone around me was saying it. It was something you're supposed to say, as there weren't many other possibilities presented to us girls. ________________ An unspoken message to women was that there was an expectation we ought to fulfill. There is a script we are supposed to follow. Because w hat else is a woman to do with her life? Of course you are going to get married, have kids, and never ask yourself what it is that YOU want to do with your life. _______________ Do we choose our desires? The first time I seriously considered whether I wanted kids was after I was already married (oopsy!). Luckily, it turned out that Dan's vision of our future also did not include kids. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I never wanted kids. In fact, I had an aversion towards the idea of how my life would have to change if I chose that route. It felt like a choice. But now I wonder if it is more than a deliberate choice. Do we really choose our desires? Just like some women feel a deep longing to be mothers without really choosing that longing, some women have that kind of longing for other experiences that don't include kids. Each one of us has a natural inclination that's steady and calm, that goes so much deeper than our thinking and decision making. We can make ourselves believe and think anything, but we can't fool our inner guidance that knows our greatest longing. ________________ We can follow them or ignore them, but we don't choose our desires. We don't decide what our heart longs for. _______________ Let me tell you what you should do Just like with any topic where people have strong beliefs, this one tends to invite people to share unsolicited advice as soon as they realize you've made a life choice that contradicts theirs. People give advice based on what they value, so here are some of the most common advice/comments/opinions childfree people receive. ________________ You're being selfish Who's going to take care of you when you're old? You'll never experience true love until you have kids You'll change your mind You'll regret it Kids give your life meaning But you'd be such a good mom _______________ Just. Don't. FOMO or JOMO Every time we make one choice, we are saying no to another choice, so in that sense we are always missing out on the experience we didn't choose. But whether we feel the fear (and regret) of missing out or joy (and freedom) because we're missing out is up to us. Either choice does not make a person more evolved, virtuous, or moral. Whether we spend our time and resources on raising kids or pursuing other activities depends on what kind of life and experiences are calling us. The thing is, we can endlessly defend our choice and find flaws in other people's choices, but what's the point. It's much better to just be and let others be. It's ok to be misunderstood Going beyond the decision of having kids, I want to acknowledge those who are taking unconventional routes (whether by choice or circumstances). Maybe you let other people's questions and doubts permeate into your choices, or you feel guilty when you make an authentic decision others disapprove of, or you might feel tired of explaining and justifying yourself. I want to remind you that you have the option not to. You have the option to opt out of those conversations, offer minimal explanation, or give answers to the degree that feels right to you. Others have the option to not understand your choices and to disagree with them. You can try to please them or you can proudly own your choices. Don't expect approval or understanding from everyone. You will be misunderstood and let that be ok. Inner Becoming News New Website Coming Soon! Ever since I started my private practice - Inner Becoming PLLC I've dreamed of investing in a beautiful professional website. Although I love what I created (with no knowledge or experience whatsoever I might add), I'm ready and excited to team up with a professional who can bring my vision to life. My intention is that the new website will be a clear reflection of my values, professional interests, and therapeutic experience potential clients can expect. Stay tuned! Got Questions? Is there is a situation or a question you're grappling with and you'd like my perspective on it? Let me know! We often feel alone in our worries and struggles but the truth is that many people have had similar concerns. We are not really that unique in our struggles. Knowing that we're not alone gives us sense of connection and shared humanity. All questions will be shared anonymously and any identifiable information will be removed! Share With A Friend If you enjoy reading my newsletter or you think the content would be helpful to someone you know, share it and invite them to subscribe! Therapy Appointments Interested in scheduling a therapy appointment? Visit Inner Becoming and fill out an appointment inquiry . 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childfree by choice - or is it?

After 5 years, my trip to motherland Serbia is approaching and I am beyond excited to be reunited with with family and friends, eat burek and ćevapi all day long, and soak in the easy going lifestyle. At the same time, in the back of my mind I anticipate the good ole question about having kids (or not having kids) to sneak its way into the conversations. Every time it arises, I sense that I'm not fully believed when I say "I don't want kids," and those who don't ask about it seem to assume that something is wrong and I can't have kids. Maybe it's not that people don't believe it, rather, it's hard for them to understand a choice that is drastically different than theirs.

Going off the script

To escape the doom and gloom of my reality as a child, I had a very rich inner life. My daydreams and fantasies included a fun adventurous life, having a career, and moving away from the village I grew up in to a big, vibrant city. My imagination never included motherhood or having kids. I was never too concerned about marriage and having a family. When I was young, I said I will have kids one day, but it was not something I really thought about, it was just something I would say because everyone around me was saying it. It was something you're supposed to say, as there weren't many other possibilities presented to us girls.

________________

An unspoken message to women was that there was an expectation we ought to fulfill. There is a script we are supposed to follow. Because what else is a woman to do with her life? Of course you are going to get married, have kids, and never ask yourself what it is that YOU want to do with your life.

_______________

Do we choose our desires?

The first time I seriously considered whether I wanted kids was after I was already married (oopsy!). Luckily, it turned out that Dan's vision of our future also did not include kids. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I never wanted kids. In fact, I had an aversion towards the idea of how my life would have to change if I chose that route. It felt like a choice. But now I wonder if it is more than a deliberate choice.

Do we really choose our desires? Just like some women feel a deep longing to be mothers without really choosing that longing, some women have that kind of longing for other experiences that don't include kids. Each one of us has a natural inclination that's steady and calm, that goes so much deeper than our thinking and decision making. We can make ourselves believe and think anything, but we can't fool our inner guidance that knows our greatest longing.

________________

We can follow them or ignore them, but we don't choose our desires. We don't decide what our heart longs for.

_______________

Let me tell you what you should do

Just like with any topic where people have strong beliefs, this one tends to invite people to share unsolicited advice as soon as they realize you've made a life choice that contradicts theirs. People give advice based on what they value, so here are some of the most common advice/comments/opinions childfree people receive.

________________

You're being selfish

Who's going to take care of you when you're old?

You'll never experience true love until you have kids

You'll change your mind

You'll regret it

Kids give your life meaning

But you'd be such a good mom

_______________

Just. Don't.

FOMO or JOMO

Every time we make one choice, we are saying no to another choice, so in that sense we are always missing out on the experience we didn't choose. But whether we feel the fear (and regret) of missing out or joy (and freedom) because we're missing out is up to us.

Either choice does not make a person more evolved, virtuous, or moral. Whether we spend our time and resources on raising kids or pursuing other activities depends on what kind of life and experiences are calling us. The thing is, we can endlessly defend our choice and find flaws in other people's choices, but what's the point. It's much better to just be and let others be.

It's ok to be misunderstood

Going beyond the decision of having kids, I want to acknowledge those who are taking unconventional routes (whether by choice or circumstances). Maybe you let other people's questions and doubts permeate into your choices, or you feel guilty when you make an authentic decision others disapprove of, or you might feel tired of explaining and justifying yourself.

I want to remind you that you have the option not to. You have the option to opt out of those conversations, offer minimal explanation, or give answers to the degree that feels right to you. Others have the option to not understand your choices and to disagree with them. You can try to please them or you can proudly own your choices. Don't expect approval or understanding from everyone.

You will be misunderstood and let that be ok.