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A big warm welcome to the newest members of our community. We were delighted to connect with so many new and old faces at the MACMH conference.
One of the biggest challenges for the new and sometimes even seasoned coaches and educators is shifting from the mindset of providing information, support, and education to holding space for people to think and discover answers for themselves.
After a decade in coaching, I still need to temper my advice and information sharing habits. However, I have also learned to find joy in holding space and using reflective questions to empower others to discover their own answers.
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This month we are excited to explore how to create and hold space for others to think and feel. Our guest writer Heather Cline, Ph.D. shares her thoughts on how to know if you’re over-helping parents or “just enough”. We also share some tools, activities, and resources to dive deeper into that topic.
Finally, keep your eye on our social media platforms this month for more articles, tools and resources to help you in your practice of empathetic coaching.
Cheers!
Lisa Krause + The PCC Team
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Over-Helping + Overindulgence in Parenting Education | |
Are we thinking for parents when they are capable of thinking for themselves?
By Heather Cline, Ph.D.
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I’ve been a fan of Jean Illsley Clarke and her work on Overindulgence for many years. I was first introduced to Jean when I started my graduate program in family education at the University of Minnesota. I attended her summer Facilitator’s Workshop at her home in 2008, and continued to work with her in a variety of ways over the years.
She used to refer to me as her boss when, as a mere grad assistant, it was my job to help schedule the summer Special Topics courses. She always had a way of making you feel like a very important person to her, yet never more or less than anyone else in the room.
For all these years I’ve had a sense that her way of defining and teaching Overindulgence connected with my Reflective Dialogue approach to parent education, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on the crossroads of our work.
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When Lisa Krause and I began connecting through her study of Reflective Dialogue she resonated immediately with the philosophy that Wisdom Can’t Be Told (Thomas, Cooke, & Scott, 2005).
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Through our conversations we’ve noticed that the practice of supporting and helping parents and families can look a lot like Jean’s definition of Over-nurture, or doing for someone what they can and should do for themselves (Clarke, Dawson, & Bredehoft, 2004).
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I invite you to explore ways that we, as “helpers,” may be over-nurturing parents. Jean suggests that over-nurture is doing too much of a good thing, and all of us who identify as parenting educators or coaches feel passionate about the “good thing” we are doing to help children and families thrive. I’m right there with you as a parent educator and lifelong “helper” myself.
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But are we doing too much of a good thing? | |
I believe it’s a question worth asking ourselves. After evaluation, if we find our help is “just enough” to result in the parents’ capacity to navigate new challenges with greater confidence and connection, we can proceed with confidence in our own practice. | |
If we come to discover that we are “over-helping”, we can begin exploring ways to shift our practice to get our “helper-self” back on track.
Let’s begin with a question…
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When a parent comes to you frustrated by their teenager’s (or threenager’s) behavior, where do your thoughts go? | |
Do you stay with them in their state of frustration or do you immediately go into your own head about how the child’s behavior is developmentally appropriate? Do you even feel a little surge of excitement because you have the perfect strategy that will not only stop the behavior but will help the child develop valuable social-emotional skills? That enthusiasm can feel almost unbearable to hold inside and what spills out is a robust explanation of what’s going on and a solution (or 10) to their problem. | |
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Want a little help to know if you are helping "just enough" or "too much?" Walk through our helping or rescuing worksheet! | |
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Words That Help: Using Affirmations to invite learning, growth, and empowerment.
By Lisa Krause, M.A.
Jack and Diane have come to you about their 3-year-old son, Jonny. Jonny is loving and playful and very strong-willed. Getting him to do anything takes lots of creativity and planning. For example, Jack has learned that playing motorcycle in the bathroom helps move teeth brushing along, and Diane has learned to avoid struggles with snacks and things they don’t want Jonny to have by just keeping them out of sight.
It can be exhausting, and Jack is struggling because kids are supposed to “obey.” Jonny should just do what he’s told without all the parenting acrobatics. Jack thinks they are overindulging.
As parenting experts, there are many ways we can teach about this. Let’s explore how we can use the Affirmations and the Developmental Jobs of the Child to create a safe space for Jack and Diane to expand perspectives, and empathy…
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Looking for an exercise to do with clients this week? Try this! | |
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Opening Activity: Choose an Affirmation to help you get what you need out of today’s session?
Closing Activity: What is one thing you would like to take forward from this coaching session and how can you use the Affirmation you chose to help you move forward?
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Want to try out some reflective questions and receive feedback before you use them with your clients? Not only are our Connection Groups a safe place for self-assessment, but they are also a great opportunity to practice new skills including...empathy! | |
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Affirmation Activity Book for Kids + Teens | |
What better way to practice empathy than offering affirmations...70 different ways! | |
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